The Twins

I could never speak in two's before.

But now I can separate the I and the I.

The I who's comfortably numb and

The I who's ardently ambitious. 

The ' I ' and ' I 'are separated by a veil.

A transparent veil as flimsy as the one that separates me from my hallucinations.. 

The ' I ' who is stuck in the arms of yesterday, The ' I ' who missed the train, The ' I ' who's sleeping on cold railway tracks, ears pressed to the rail, awaiting  the rumble. 

The other ' I ' who's ferocious, The ' I ' whose vanity so high that it keeps away all in securities, The ' I ' who's so fearless and faithful. The ' I ' who's pride hurts in every passing hour of monotony. 

Caught in the middle,

I put them both to sleep. 

Tuck them away. 

I watch them sleep peacefully, 

legs entangled, heads touching. 

Right at that I moment  I knew, 

I'd failed. 

How much I ever try how can I separate the ' I ' and the ' I '? 

Redemption

You've broken me over and over, 

Knowing that I don't really  recover.

You made my instincts go cold.

Poking the wounds, that are very old.

You made me doubt my gut. 

God knows how many windows I've shut !

I've built a fortress out of all the guilt, you gift me.

There are nights, my tongue taste's like the salt in the sea. 

The sea, where you won't let me swim or drown.

That's the way you love me.

That's the way you want it to be.

But I can't take no more. 

Even though my throat is sore. 

I will leave you here.

Just to be clear, 

About the one thing I always left unspoken, 

You don't break a person, who's  already broken. 

 

Mirrored Agony

To fall into each other's skies. 

To drizzle and dissolve.

To disappear. 

To love only beginnings.

To seek balance in what's falling. 

To have a soft spot for crash-landings

And things that don't last. 

The middle

The middle is messy. 

You're neither right nor wrong.

And there are no rules.

You battle your instincts, 

Bidding  adieu to the last lessons of logic. 

There you are, heart in hands, 

And a life at stake. 

Caressing the old wounds, 

Hoping this time, you'll be spared. 

Stuttering mid-sentence, 

You discover a whole new lullaby, 

Hidden between the lines. 

It was all there. 

There's no end, no beginning. 

Because, it's the middle and

It's messy.

Venting.

I tried to translate my fears, my angst, my sadness, my insecurities into sentences. 

In vain, the very attempt at it, is a pain in the ass. 

At times, it feels like choking on the noose of thoughts around my throat.

Each breathe, like a trapeze act.

Past few weeks had me lose my shit (I don't talk civil, when I vent).

Two consecutive, unexpected  deaths of closed ones, got me into a delirium ( I don't wanna use the word depression, too cliché and so middle class!)

I had anxiety attacks that brought back my Asthma after 3 years and truck loads of misery. The only thing I could dream or see was the image of my Ammamma (still alive) dying.And believe me, it still tops on the list of my nightmares.I've heard countless lectures on how death is inevitable and blah blah, from cousins, friends and my parents who couldn't bare to see me struggle. Also, every time I tried to open up with a few of my close ones, I back down, because I didn't always wanna be their sad friend, the one with problems. 

So, I kept at it, popping pills, trying to keep my anxiety low, nevermind the tremors and the dizziness. My nights are a restless battle between  spotify playlists, absurd YouTube videos and constantly  checking on my grandmother,  every half an hour. Amma understands because she'd been there too.But it isn't seeming to help, I lay afloat like a corpse, body half drowning and mind strangled in the waters of fear and anxiety.I know,  I make  up these in my mind. But  I'm sorry, 'Don't overthink', 'Thinking too much' , has never done any good.

I got into unnecessary fights with my friends, ghosted many, and cried over steaming pasta  I cook at 3 am. Whatever I'm going through, I know not, what's the end of it.

All I know is, I try, I really try.

But I'm on the losing end. Either I'm annoyingly  social or disturbingly distant.

And to all the people to whom I seem to be a paradox, you have zero chances of being wrong.

പ്രേമലേഖനം / The Love Letter

മുഷിഞ്ഞ കടലാസിലാണെന്റെ പ്രേമലേഖനങ്ങൾ.

വാക്കുകൾക്ക്  പുത്തൻ കുപ്പായമില്ല. 

പരന്ന  കണ്മഷിപ്പോൽ അവ്യക്തമായ അവസാനങ്ങൾ..

ചേർച്ചക്കേടിന്റെ ജാള്യത തെല്ലുംമറയ്ക്കാതെയോരോവരിയും!

 

I've been told, it's  illegible. 

I've been told it's too much to take. 

I try to put the pandemonium 

tormenting my heart, into words. 

And it becomes a colossal  mess. 

The poems I abort. 

The sentences  I gulp down, 

Like those tablets you never chew. 

Because  biting into it

Reveals its bitterness  all the more!

So I mourn, while I write. 

I mourn for the words, 

I will never  give birth to. 

I mourn for the things you'll never know. 

എനിക്കെന്റെ  പ്രേമലേഖനങ്ങൾ പ്രിയപ്പെട്ടതാണ്. 

Because  they're both

the pain and the remedy. 

Roshni Ravindran

of.both.worlds

Begin Again.

There he was! Sitting at the same old corner of the cafe, next to the window.We have had a million dates at that particular spot.

I can see that he's nervous -quite contrary to the easy-going fellow I used to know.No,he hasn't seen me. Let me just give it a little time- for him to search for me in the crowd, probably the first time around.

I feel awed,by what time can do to people.It might seem unfair,what a span of a few years can do to a person.It robs him of all things he considered valuable and replaces it with things he never thought would matter.

The loud cheering of a bunch of youngsters brought me back. I think it's time to meet him. I got up and walked past the tables, to the corner ,where he sat. I kept my eyes on him.He was searching,fidgeting his car key,slicking back his hair, which I never knew he had grown so long.

 He was about to see me. I knew it precisely the moment before our eyes locked. All these years had done nothing to those dark black-holes, I used to admire. At least there's something that withstood the test of time.

He stiffened as he stood up.Is that a smile I see ,curving around his lips? I don't know, I was never good at guessing anyways!
"Hey!" 
"I'm sorry! , I'm late" - I said as we did an awkward handshake.
"Oh, that's fine"- He said trying to sound casual.

We shared a few minutes of awkward silences. I was in short of words too. After all, what was there to say? After all these years? What difference does it make?
The waiter broke in our tiny cobweb of silence. I was taken aback, when he ordered our usual snack! I didn't know that they still had them in their menu.

"So you remember it?"- I asked.
"You wanted me to forget? "
" I don't know"- I said. I really didn't know.

That was him.His 'typical' questions,when he gets serious, are rated as the 'World's No.1 Unanswerable Questions' . At least for me.
He broke the silence,when the snack was on the table.

"I didn't mean to be rude.It's just seeing you last day that made me upset"- He said.
"Upset?! , I didn't mean to be of trouble.I just wanted to meet you. 
I wouldn't want to upset you!"- I managed to say.
"No, no, It's just me.It's been a long time Riya.
I don't know what to say".- He said
"You are pretty much the same as far as I remember". He just smiled in return.

Oh!,How I used to crave for those dimples.I couldn't hide the excitement either.And yeah,he knew it too. I blushed in embarrassment. I had to say something!!

"So you landed up in a corporate job uh?" -  I asked.
"Yeah and you started writing as well ,I guess"-  He was quick to respond.
"Sort of"
"A book published and another one on the way, 'Sort of', wouldn't be enough"- He said.
"Oh, You read that?" - I couldn't contain my shock. Now this is something interesting , I thought to myself.
"Come on, I was in  that book, how could I not read?" He said. It was true, I couldn't deny it either.
"That wasn't entirely you.You don't disappear in the book"- Haha Checkmate I smirked mentally.
"I get that"-He said looking down at his coffee.

I didn't know what to tell to this guy,who had eaten up a hell lot of my sleep already.
After 4 years of vanishing into thin air,here he is- sipping his coffee in front of me,with the evening sun making everything about him shine.
No!, you can't be angry on a guy like that! Did he know what happened after? Wait !, Did he 'wanted' to know?

"What are you thinking?"- He interrupted.
"Just nothing."- I smiled.
"I wanted to say that your book didn't have a fair ending!"
"Oh!, I didn't know you thought like that,but why?"
"I mean why does she has to die ?"
"Everybody dies don't they?"
"It was very disturbing"- He paused.
"Interesting to know"-  I said it with a smile playing on my lips.I mentally kicked myself for being happy that it actually bothered him.Meanwhile, a better part of my brain hinted that he isn't entirely over it either.

I decided to push it.

"Why does it disturb you? After all it's just fiction.That girl in the book, she doesn't exist."
He didn't answer.Instead  looked straight into my eyes and I knew that there's no going away.

"I have to go,it's time."- I said, rather bluntly.

His face changed.But it lasted only for a second.He regained his composure and said in a 'matter-of-fact" tone.
"Oh,you can leave" He finally said.
"It was good seeing you Akash"
"You too"
As I stood up,collected my bag and turned around to leave, I could feel his eyes on me.
"Riya!" He called out.
"What?"
"Next time, don't do that"
"Do what?"
"Don't let her die,maybe there's a twist". He stared at me for a while.
I felt immobilized.
"Lets' see."- I said as I turned back and walked away.
Was he smiling?
Like I told you, I was never good at guessing!


Roshni Ravindran

@of.both.worlds